The Unforeseeable Upside of Vanity and How It Saved My Life

Ah, the sixties, the age, not the swinging decade. That dreaded biological marker that loomed before me like an ominous spectre. The mere mention of it sends a shiver down my spine, for it carries with it the weight of time and the burden of age. But, in the midst of this daunting reality, I must admit that there are certain unexpected advantages to growing older. The beauty of a sunset now holds a profound significance, a seniors discount at the movies brings a small glimmer of joy, and, if the passage of time has any value, I should possess a certain wisdom acquired through the trials and tribulations of life.

Yet, alongside these silver linings, there exists a shadow cast by the ageing process. My once vibrant metabolism has betrayed me, opting for reverse rather than forward, and I awaken to inexplicable aches and pains merely from sleeping weird. My existence can come to a screeching halt when my reading glasses, quite conveniently perched atop my head, mysteriously vanish into thin air. And… there is a hint of mortality that occasionally wafts in like smoke from a distant fire, triggered by a phone call in the middle of the night which can only mean bad news.

Life LessonsChristina FordJune 7, 2023cancer, BCC, skin care, skin, ageing, In Search of Mr Dacry, Amazon, Audible, vanity

Leah McLaren & Me ~ Authors, Single Moms, and All Around Hysterical Humans

Permit me, my beautiful readers, to introduce my special guest, Leah McLaren. She is more than a guest. She is a three-time published author, award-winning journalist and a G&T-loving friend. And don't we all need one of those?

On Leah's invitation during the deep and dark time of Covid, I boarded a completely empty train and got my ass to a little rustic Welsh farmhouse that Leah had rented. I was attempting to write my very first book, and Leah was pounding out her latest, a poignant mother-daughter memoir, Where I End, and You Begin. "Don't talk to anyone", she warned me. "I mean it, Christina, no one." She was terrified that the Welsh villagers would take one listen to my Canadian accent and, with torches high and pitchforks at the ready, storm the farmhouse and evoke a tiny-town-terror of Covid justice.

Thank You Mr Wrong. I Couldn't Have Got Here Without You

When one generally thinks of a breakup, one often imagines a double-barrel, snot-bubbling ugly cry in a dark room, duvet pulled over head, empty ice cream containers littering the floor and lying awake in the middle of the night, imaging all the painful ways he might die. Wait, is that just me? After you have stopped crying and put down the Häagen Dazs, it might be time to reclaim your life (and power).

Most of us can relate to the crushing end of a relationship we swore would last forever. The loss of something big, the mourning of something bigger, what might have been, instead of what was. That's been the trickiest bit for me, in a way. What I thought it was going to be versus what it actually was. I think they call that dating for potential.

Top 10 Dating Mistakes as Told By Jane Austen and A.I's Newest Love Child...ChatGPT

I am a cheater. A curious, cheating creature. I did not write the blog on dating you are about to read, Jane Austen did. Well, IA did, in the style of Jane Austen.

For those who know me, you know I am a lover of tech. I’ve been talking to Alexa for years, Google Maps is telling me how to get there, Calm lulling me to sleep, Suri answering my questions, and Find My Phone will let me know when my phone is stuck between two sofa cushions.

So when I was told about ChatGPT, I had to give it a try. And you know what, I was equal parts blown away and terrified. For those who aren’t up on the latest technology, let me explain. ChatGPT is an artificial intelligence chatbot that allows you to have human-like conversations. Think of it as if Google and Suri had a love child.

It can answer questions, write and fix code, translate, and generate content like emails, essays,…and blogs.

My first experiment with the IA master was to have it write me a complaint letter to my water company, which I believe is overcharging me. In approximately ten seconds, I had a brilliant letter with not a single word I’d have to change. No creative punctuation or spelling, which I have a propensity for.

BREAKING NEWS! MY BOOK, IN SEARCH OF MR DARCY: LESSONS LEARNT IN PURSUIT OF HAPPILY EVER AFTER IS AVAILABLE

I’m not sure if I can conjure the words to express what an unexpected, crazy journey the last few years have taken me on. My life, and in all the ways I defined it, mother, daughter, lover, boss, employer, friend, sister and Hunter’s human, were all changed, reimagined or permanently altered for good. In short, without these labels that I had dressed myself in, I had no idea who I was. None.

It’s funny when you are presented with change. At first, you resist it, much like getting that suspicious mole checked or online dating. You push hard against it and do whatever you can to make it stop or, at the very least, slow it down. Change can be terrifying. But as we know, change is the only constant in our lives. So the question is not “will this change” but rather, “what are you going to do with the changes?”

Me, I wrote a book.

The Unusual Path Of A First Time Author

It's interesting in life how many times we reinvent. Our bodies are cellular different every seven years, so science tells us. So, in essence, a brand new you. We've often had several careers, and don't get me started on the vast array of "loves of my life" I have fallen in and out of love with. I have had many, many lives, and every one of them was extraordinary, varied and ripe with lessons.

In my early twenties, I had a career in the glitzy cosmetic retail industry, and then I spent over a quarter century deep in the world of advertising and production. Hell, I even produced a feature film that opened TIFF. I moved countries and pretty much shed most of the labels that defined who I was to the world and, truthfully, to me as well. This isn't some sort of right-to-brag CV but rather an introduction to my thinking that anything is possible when no one tells you no.

Prince Harry vs Team Never Complain: Never Explain. The Most Polarizing Subject In The UK Since Brexit

Unless you are living completely off the grid, with no access to the internet or Google Alerts, you have been recently flooded with a plethora of red-hot stories, gifted to us by Harry and Meghan, the Duke and Duchess of Sussex. The Oprah interview, the Netflix docu-series/reality show and most recently, Harry’s tell-all book, The Spare. The media, with a frenzy equal to newly hatched turtles rushing to the ocean, have been diving into those waters to digest, dissect, discuss, judge, condemn and regurgitate every last word. Like so many of us, I have officially reached my peak, my saturation level of Sussex consumption. So I swore I wasn’t going to write about it. The war of The Sussexes.

But something happened to me last week, twice, in fact, that has led me to keep this dialogue going.

Not one, but two friendly, white tablecloth dinners, out with intelligent friends, metamorphized into a full-out, drag ‘um down bar fight debate about the most polarising subject in the UK since Brexit, Harry and Meghan. I am not interested in highlighting the obvious conflicts of one of the world’s most famous dysfunctional families or once again discussing the “rivalry, jealousy and competing agendas” between Harry and his wife, the Sussexes, and Prince William and Kate, the Cambridges. The proverbial “they said/the Monarch said.” You can buy the book. Nor do I want to talk about Oprah, the Netflix series, or Harry’s “frost-bitten todger” (cringe).

Aaaah, the mature woman. That fabulous creature that, if wooed with the right balance of precision and passion, might be the best sex you have ever had. You heard me—the best.

With a real risk of oversharing, sex over 50 is the culmination of decades of learning. I cannot speak for my married sisters, those women who’ve been having sex with the same partner who has been leaving the toilet seat up and the tea bag in the sink for years. But I can speak for the single ladies who have graciously and generously shared their fabulous, unfiltered sex stories with me.

Let’s get started. Encase there is a guy out there over the age of fourteen that doesn’t know this, women share everything. Yes, all of it. We talk in delicious, delightful details…about… well…all of it. If you are wondering, did she tell her girlfriend about…insert worst fear here*, the answer is, of course, she did. And they probably told their friends. I believe that is why women live longer, by talking it out. Sure you guys talk too. But it’s different, more surface, singular, simple and summarized. An uncomplicated “ya, I shagged her…um, dude, I think it’s your round.”

Life LessonsChristina FordJanuary 14, 2023sex, older women, Over 50, orgasm, In Search of Mr Dacry, friends, Morning Sex

Essential Tips For Surviving The Mean Season

The Mean Season… Grrrrr!!!

For those who don't know, the Mean Season is what I call that brutal time of year between American Thanksgiving and Valentine's Day. For most of the English-speaking world, we are enduring the cold, bitter elements of winter. The days are impossibly short but feel twice as long as you go to work in the dark and come home in the dark. And, for the blessed life of you, you can’t remember the last time you saw the sun. But the harsh, relentless weather is the least of it, it is merely the backdrop. With all its festive holiday parties, family gatherings and the general outpouring of love and mirth, the Mean Season is the most challenging time of the year to be single or alone.

Life LessonsChristina FordDecember 9, 2022me, holidays, Depression, Soup kitchen, food bank, assault eating, day drinking, Struggling

In Praise of Older Women ~ 5 Reasons Young Men Are Dating Older Women

Ever since Demi Moore was wrapped up tightly for eight years with Ashton Kutcher, sixteen years her junior, I have been fascinated by the older woman/younger man scenario. Of course, we as a society see that age flip with older men/younger women all the time, which barely warrants a raised eyebrow, and I, for one, am so bored of it (yawn). But back in the early 2000s, with Demi and Ashton, their coupling was as rare as a rainbow-coloured unicorn. Now, sure, Demi is not your average 9 to 5, Walmart shopping, monthly book club, carpooling gal (ok, that might not be average either). Back in the day, she was what the media would describe as Hollywood Royalty, a crowned Princess of the celebrity Brat Pack. Perhaps Ashton was just a pendulum swing from Demi's ex Bruce Willis eight years her senior, but if so, I say nicely done, Demi.

Two decades later, this off-beat relationship dynamic has become way more popular despite the social stigma amplified by popular media and the concept of "cougar and toyboy."

A few examples.

How to Tell You're Over 50 — Without Telling Me You're Over 50

We, as a generation, have never looked better. We eat healthier and use something other than Noxema and Ten-O-Six (brown-tinged rubbing alcohol) to clean our skin. We are acutely aware of the dangers of sun exposure, pushing many of us to richly slather our faces with a daily, solid SPF 50.

And, of course, science has allowed us to mask our age with tightening, lasering and injecting, and I, for one, say giddy-up.

But as I hang with my daughters, their friends, and others who fall into that "just a tad younger than me' category, there is something other than my neck and my well-moisturised, taunt complexion that gives my age away… and this is what I am writing about today. The little things that immediately tell everyone you are over 50 that even the best plastic surgeons can't help you with.

So let's see if you fall into this category.

British Words I Didn't Know Existed, and Now I Can't Live Without

Let’s face it, there’s a lot about the Brits that has taken me a while to understand. As a North American, they have left me, at times, scratching my noggin in honest befuddlement.

For instance, why do they love James Corden for Gavin and Stacey but pretty much can't stand him for anything else? Or, their national obsession for room temperature water, football (soccer), organ meats and baked beans. Or, how they’ve claimed curry as traditional British cuisine. Or, or… how their gentle overt politeness, decorum and centuries-old etiquette instantly vanishes as they go all American postal when someone jumps one of their orderly queues. And do not get me going on those horse hair wigs they are mandated to wear in court, even the vegans. But as I spend time hiding amongst them, I have adopted some of their language. No, I am not speaking in a British accent, I am not Madonna or Lindsey Lohan, but I have to give credit where credit is due. Some of the British words I didn't know existed (or barely) I now can't live without. They make up the healthy fabric of my daily conversation, and you know what???? They are bloody brilliant.

15 Things That Should Make You Smile Instantly

Let's face it, there has been a lot going on recently to turn that occasional resting scowl face of yours into the only face your iPhone recognises to unlock your phone. Sure, there have been crappy days, weeks…even years, friends who overnight become frenemies, or a zit that magically appears the morning of a big date. But I've learned that even through the crappiest of times, there are always things that never fail to make me smile.

So, as a public service to y'all, I am sharing with you my list of things that instantly make me smile. Because we all can benefit from a few more reasons to smile.

15 Things That Should Make You Smile Instantly

Life Lessons, Things I LoveChristina FordSeptember 5, 2022smile, old people, holding hands, music, coffee, good hair day

A Girl in The Red Window. My Hour With a Prostitute in Amsterdam’s Infamous Red Light District

I was visiting Amsterdam a short time back. A girl's weekend, two friends and I. After a lovely dinner, they wisely decided to call it a night. I, however, ventured out to the city's famous Red Light District…alone.

The canals were electric, alive and glowing from the reflection of the bright neon marquess advertising live sex shows and private dances. The narrow cobblestone streets were lit by red lights casting a glow above the shop windows. That was where the girls were and my real purpose that night.

Some of the girls were more overt, obvious. You know, the ones you'd imagine dressed in black lingerie, heavily contoured cheeks and spiked, shiny boots. A couple had a Britney Spears Oops I've Did It Again feel, with super short pleated kilts and blouses tied high just below their heaving breasts. A few looked more academic, the sexy librarian type with messy up-dos and reading glasses teetering on the edge of their noses. There was even one woman who had to be in her sixties, looking so very, very tired and worn. She stood out from the rest.

Did Tinder Kill Love? Yup, I Think So.

Sex has always been the alleged road to love.

For generations, people have been hooking up at parties, nightclubs, smokey single bars, or discos (depending on just how old you are). A nostalgic, romantic era where poor judgement and too much alcohol made your relationship decisions for you (sigh).

So here we are today, deep in the throes of a new era, the online dating universe ruled by Tinder, Bumble and their near-distant relations. With immediate access to this colossal volume of singles seeking love, sex and relationships, you would think it would have triggered a new epic sexual revolution. One so explosive that we, like farrel rabbits, would be feasting on a 24/7 service of Tinderellas, super-swipers strangers that come delivered right to your door, with the reliability of UberEats.

Well, guess what? We are having less sex! A lot less.

Life LessonsChristina FordJune 23, 2022Tinder, bumble, Single, Toby Keith, Sex, online dating, Millennials, Dating app

What Brits Say: Versus What They Actually Mean

You only have to set your feet down on British soil for minutes before you can see it. The differences, the quirks, the idiosyncrasies, the orderly queues in the rain.

And let's face it, that’s what you’ve come for, right? You don’t want to hop on a sleepless, transatlantic flight to London and not to get the full British experience.

Of course, not all differences are understood. As a Canadian, I confuse Brits. I speak like an American, spell like a Brit, and know just enough French words to seriously confuse a nation of people.

So just like I might confuse the Brits, they too have elements of their British persona I have trouble understanding.

So, to save you all a heap load of time (and embarrassment) I have compiled a useful list to spare you my visiting tourist friends from making grave errors with the British vernacular.

People of London, Life LessonsChristina FordMarch 23, 2022Lingo, Canadian

Three Single GIRLFriends, One Man On The Prowl…How We Discovered He Was After All of Us....or, How I Found Out I Was "A Type", Not A Unicorn

I like to believe that within each and every one of us we have unique traits that allow us to stand out in a crowd, or at the very least, stop us from blending into a sea of sameness with our Lulu Lemon daywear, Canada Goose jackets, Uggs and beige hair. I’ve often fancied myself to be somewhat of a unicorn, I’ve even got the official I Am A Unicorn T-shirt, for further authentication.

But recently I’ve come to learn (in the most interesting of ways) that I am no unicorn. I am a type— a blonde, light eye, slim(ish), fashion-forward, on the other side of fifty who could be most often seen posing with a cocktail —type.

Now in most circumstances in life, this means nothing. A type? Who cares? What possible interest could this have more than some random stranger mistaking me for Brenda from Bethesda?

But wait.

Here’s where it gets interesting.

Life Lessons, People of LondonChristina FordFebruary 22, 2022Dating app, online dating, friends, Soho House, Raya

People Who Sleep Naked Have A Better Night’s Sleep (and other crap I bet you didn’t know)

Now that I have your attention.

Since moving to England, there have been a few cultural adjustments, some societal compromises I needed to make. The most obvious was the weather. It didn't matter what the forecast, there was always, always a chance of rain.

Then, there was the desensitizing to that “C’ word that the Brits like to drop, as frequent as the chance of rain. To put that into some much-needed context, Brits have over a hundred different words or phrases to talk about rain. I’d further like to add 94% of British people admitted to having talked about the weather in the past six hours

And of course, the horror when it’s discovered that not only do I not have a football club (soccer for my North American friends) I support, I actually don't give a shit about the sport.

But the one thing I’ve been able to climb on board with is their quizzes. Now for all those who have never attended a Quiz Night with me, my contribution to the team (other than getting us all into the Soho House) could to summed up with only two categories; 1970’s US Television Theme Songs or Fun Facts about Colin Firth Movies. But somehow I’ve managed to park my humiliation and every month I look forward to it.

This is to say, that my interest in unless trivia (that you would never need to know unless you are at a Quiz Night) has peaked.

So here’s my list of Unusual Facts (or almost facts) I’d like to see on the next Quiz, And not surprisingly, there is not a single footballer mentioned anywhere

Double Vaxed, Boosted, and Now I Have Covid. Dang!

I guess you could call this the Covid Trifecta, a perfect Covid storm. I am double vaccinated, I have had my booster, and now I have tested positive for Covid. And I, for one, am royally ticked off… not to mention surprised.

I was not one of these fearful people sprinting to get those new vaccines immediately jabbed into my arm. I am not old, vulnerable, or believe that my cause of death will read, rode the Central Line without a mask.

Nor am I an anti-vac conspiracy theorist with too much furloughed time on my hands. Convinced that the Chinese are looking to eradicate the world, the Russians are looking to control our minds, or the microchip tracking device swimming in our vaccinated veins is just waiting for a signal from the Mothership to call us all home.

The world is fearful and distrusting right now. And I, for one, get it.

Fear and distrust of the disease, and fear and distrust of the cure, and I possess neither. That doesn’t mean I am fearless. You only need to sit beside me on a plane to know that or drag me into dodgy-looking Curry House.

Life LessonsChristina FordDecember 17, 2021Covid, vaccinated, Tuberculosis, Christmas

THERE ARE TWO TYPES OF PEOPLE IN THIS WORLD. PEOPLE WHO ARRIVE AT THE AIRPORT HOURS BEFORE THEIR FLIGHT, AND THOSE WHO SKATE IN BY THE SKIN OF THEIR TEETH. MAY THEY NEVER MARRY.

I have learned a few things about relationships in my collective rotations around the sun—indicators of what can contribute to crazy-making, incompatible coupling.

As example;

Morning person versus night person

Atheist versus God-fearing

iPhone versus Android

Or even the silent but deadly relationship crusher, boxers versus briefs. Ok, maybe this last one isn't high on the list and can be altered with some well thought out Christmas stocking stuffers. But this, for me, is right up there with swimming trunks versus banana hammocks. And as a North American girl, I do not have to tell you what side of the non-European ledger I fall on that one.

With that, I want to address the elephant in the airport.

Perhaps even save a few of you some unnecessary time sticking it out with the wrong person. This is more than the difference between those who travel with just a carry-on and those who check baggage. Although let's not underestimate that dilemma. I'm talking about those who want, need, require, must have at least a two-hour window at the airport before their flight, and those adrenaline junkies who like sliding into the gate as the pilot turns on the fasten seatbelt sign.

Life Lessons, TravelChristina FordNovember 5, 2021travel, airport, morning person, coupling, traveller, Starbuck

A-BROAD IN LONDON

A Survival Guide To Life, Travel & Being Sensationally Single

The Mean Season… Grrrrr!!!

A few examples.

So let's see if you fall into this category.

Let’s face it, there’s a lot about the Brits that has taken me a while to understand. As a North American, they have left me, at times, scratching my noggin in honest befuddlement.

15 Things That Should Make You Smile Instantly

Sex has always been the alleged road to love.

Well, guess what? We are having less sex! A lot less.

Of course, not all differences are understood. As a Canadian, I confuse Brits. I speak like an American, spell like a Brit, and know just enough French words to seriously confuse a nation of people.

Now that I have your attention.

So here’s my list of Unusual Facts (or almost facts) I’d like to see on the next Quiz, And not surprisingly, there is not a single footballer mentioned anywhere

I guess you could call this the Covid Trifecta, a perfect Covid storm. I am double vaccinated, I have had my booster, and now I have tested positive for Covid. And I, for one, am royally ticked off… not to mention surprised.

The world is fearful and distrusting right now. And I, for one, get it.

With that, I want to address the elephant in the airport.

A-BROAD IN LONDON

A Survival Guide To Life, Travel & Being Sensationally Single

The Mean Season… Grrrrr!!!

A few examples.

So let's see if you fall into this category.

Let’s face it, there’s a lot about the Brits that has taken me a while to understand. As a North American, they have left me, at times, scratching my noggin in honest befuddlement.

15 Things That Should Make You Smile Instantly

Sex has always been the alleged road to love.

Well, guess what? We are having less sex! A lot less.

Of course, not all differences are understood. As a Canadian, I confuse Brits. I speak like an American, spell like a Brit, and know just enough French words to seriously confuse a nation of people.

Now that I have your attention.

So here’s my list of Unusual Facts (or almost facts) I’d like to see on the next Quiz, And not surprisingly, there is not a single footballer mentioned anywhere

I guess you could call this the Covid Trifecta, a perfect Covid storm. I am double vaccinated, I have had my booster, and now I have tested positive for Covid. And I, for one, am royally ticked off… not to mention surprised.

The world is fearful and distrusting right now. And I, for one, get it.

With that, I want to address the elephant in the airport.

A Broad in London